ECT

I just got back my seeing my psychiatrist. My depression isn’t getting better and it started in August because of a situation I didn’t ask to be in. Because my depression has been going on for 6 months now, she asked me to consider ECT treatments. I told her no way, but she asked me to think about it.

Electroconvulsive Therapy. Shock treatments. When I worked in the mental health unit of a hospital I had to occasionally bring a patient to get ECT treatments. I watched the whole procedure once and there’s no way I want to do that.

I’m angry that I’m so far gone that I’m being asked to consider ECT. I’m angry at how I became this fucking depressed. I’m just plain angry. And sad. I am so fucking tired of being sad. I don’t deserve this, but here I am.

My meds aren’t working like they should. Therapy isn’t enough. Groups aren’t enough. I’m just fucking stuck and I hate it. I can’t switch my brain into happy mode. Even when I have things to be happy about, I’m still depressed. I think right now in this moment I just hate everything. My anxiety is high, so I’m going to take my anti anxiety meds and hopefully take a nap. Nothing sucks when I’m asleep. I’m not depressed while I’m asleep. I’m just in a blissful nothing. It’s peaceful.