Resentment

This going to sound terrible, but I resent my friends and peers that are successful. I know that sounds shitty. I know. But when I’m constantly failing at everything I try it’s hard for me to be like, “Yay for you!” Instead I feel bitter and envious. I don’t mean to be, I just am. I try so hard at things and I just repeatedly fail. It’s really disheartening. Like, what’s the fucking point of trying if it never works out?

I should be looking at my successful friends and peers as inspiration. Instead I just angrily scroll past their accomplishments. I’m pretty sure this is bad karma. I’m so jaded and bitter about most things. When I’m feeling secure in myself, I’m the biggest cheerleader for people. The only person I don’t resent for succeeding is one of my best friends that owns the boutique, the photographer. When it comes to her I’m constantly cheerleading and trying to help.

I was thinking about writing this blog yesterday after I saw one of peers posting about their weightloss. I’ve been trying and trying to lose weight and it’s not really working. I’m going to keep trying though because I love my new way of eating. I just get overly frustrated that it’s not working the way I thought it would. I’m just big enough that I would qualify for weightloss surgery. I don’t want to go that route, though. I want to be able to do this on my own.

I also get resentful watching my friends and peers constantly posting about how wonderful, magickal, and fun their relationships are. We get it, you’re super fucking happy. Good for you. Now hush. I’m too depressed to have a fun relationship. So I become bitter and jealous of those that do. Again, this is a shitty way to feel, but what the fuck? I am the way I am and it’s no picnic.

The only time I feel like I’m achieving anything is when I write these blogs and when I’m working on my project. Aside from that I feel like I’m just wasting my life away. I’m just a major bummer for those around me, especially my poor husband. He’s stuck with a depressed wife who doesn’t shower regularily, drinks too much coffee, and chain smokes. What a load of shit, huh? Alas, I’m just me. Which is unfortunate.