Queer

Queer; it simply means “different”. It is how I identify my sexuality. More specifically I am pansexual. Not everyone is familiar with this term. Due to my past relationships some people think I’m bisexual. This is incorrect. Pansexual means you are attracted to a person, regardless of their gender. I have loved a trans man, an older (psychotic) woman, and straight men. I don’t care about gender, I care about a person and who they are. I’m attracted to vibes, to energies.

I didn’t come out until I was in my early 20s. Like most queer people I knew for many years prior that I was different. I just didn’t have the courage to say it out loud. When I met someone who helped me break free of the fear to come out, I finally did. Like most coming out stories it was very liberating. I felt empowered. I embraced who I was and ran with it. I identified (and still do) with the LGBTQ+ community.

I’m now married to a cis man and he met me when I was married to a psychotic woman. I had been with her for 5 years. I suffered greatly (so did my son) in my relationship with her. She was severely abusive emotionally. She used fear to control us. She was manipulative. She enjoyed taking things away and controlling all aspects of our lives. I was at the end of my marriage to her when I met my now husband. He watched me struggle every day and as we became friends he learned more and more details. He was there for me as I was able to break free from her. He offered such kind and careful support while I navigated through the aftermath. He watched me blossom in my newfound freedom. It was amazing.

In my current life, and in the years follwoing the end of my relationship to the psychotic woman, I’ve not talked much about my sexuality. When my past does come up I’m very nonchalant about talking about my crazy ex-wife. Nobody ever bats an eye. That’s because I’m careful about who I surround myself with. I can see through bigots and homophobic people. They’re a sad bunch that I’ve got little sympathy for. I know what it’s like to be surrounded by loving and supportive people. One of the first people I came out to was my grampa. He was proud of me and told me, “Don’t ever hide who you are. Just be happy”. He met my boyfriend at the time; the kindest trans man, and was happy that I was happy. They got along very well.

I once read an article that a celebrity wrote about what it’s like to be a queer woman in a heterosexual relationship. I related heavily. It’s an interesting experience. My husband accepts me for who I am. He knows I have a colored past, but it’s just part of who I am. I’m still a very supportive person for LGBTQ+ rights and movements. The queer community is amazing and so supportive of each other. I’m proud to be part of it.